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Peter Rhodes on an election to reward honesty, rhubarb in your gin and a reader's rude limerick

By Peter Rhodes | Peter Rhodes | Published:

Read today's column from Peter Rhodes.

Vote for Vince?

THIS will be a good week for politics. By the time it is over, honesty will have been rewarded, lies will have been punished and the power of the people reasserted.

THE politicians that will do best in Thursday's European Parliament elections are the ones who have dealt honestly and steadfastly with the British people. The Lib-Dems under Vince Cable have never budged an inch from their belief that the EU is a wonderful project and Brexit must be stopped. Nigel Farage, leader of the Brexit Party, has never budged an inch from his belief that the EU is a terrible thing and Brexit must suceed. Between them they offer an honest, crystal-clear, in-out choice. If you don't vote either Lib-Dem or Brexit, there's not much point in voting at all because the other parties are either too small to matter or stuffed with politicians who think voters are stupid and can be easily fooled if you face two directions at once. For this breed of politician, Thursday will bring a terrible reckoning, and serve 'em right.

IN the above item I used the term "crystal-clear." A reader says his preferred expression is "gin-clear." But as he points out, we live in an age when gin is modified with all sorts of added flavours. How long before "gin-clear" is used to describe a fluid that is transparent but with just a hint of rhubarb? And thus our language evolves.

AN enduring mystery of this Brexit crisis is the media's obsession with providing platforms for Tony Blair and his former spin-doctor, Alastair Campbell. Why? They are yesterday's men. They had their chance in government and we all remember where it led: fake news, dodgy dossiers and the invasion of Iraq. When it comes to opinions on Brexit, I have no more interest in Blair and Campbell than in any other retired organ grinder and his monkey.

A READER was surprised a fly tipper was prosecuted in Walsall and appeared in court - three years after the offence was committed. Why the delay? How long do you have to wait before a crime becomes an historical crime? My reader speculates that the authorities in Walsall may be in the process of prosecuting a man for riding his velocipede during the hours of darkness without showing a lantern (the incident was allegedly captured in a lithograph).

I SUGGESTED recently that refusing the title of Earl of Dumbarton for Master Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor would protect the wee laddie from the embarrassment of flatulence-related limericks. A reader issues this dreadful warning. Sorry about all the asterisks but it's a family newspaper: "There was a young Earl of Dumbarton / Whose **** just wouldn't stop ****ing / From London to Venice / His **** was a menace, / But in Scotland he had his own tartan."

AYE, Robbie Burns would be proud of that.

Peter Rhodes

By Peter Rhodes

Award-winning columnist and blogger. Keeping an eye on the tribulations and trivia of a fast-changing world

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