Peter Rhodes on naming storms, knives in the back and a day trip with bare bottoms and batter

A READER asks whether the appalling statistics on knife crime may have been inflated by 17.4 million Britons being stabbed in the back by politicians.

THIS may be the week when Parliament re-enacts the final chapter of George Orwell's chilling novel, Animal Farm. Suddenly, the animals discover that while they think they can remember something called Brexit, Theresa and Jeremy and all the little piglets are now pronouncing it as Bremain.

ANOTHER reader says the rainwater that fell into the House of Lords last week was "the tears of angels weeping for our democracy." It at least gave us an opportunity to witness the Lords in action, and to despair. They may be terribly distinguished but half of them didn't seem to know whether they were queuing for the lobby or the loo. There are 850 Lords, members of the finest old folk's club in London. I bet we could manage perfectly well with 100.

SLOW kind of spring. How long before we can venture out without the ultimate fashion glitch? Yes, I know Charles Bronson looks good in one in Death Wish. But for normal blokes, the knitted woolly hat does no favours. Bronson looks like a steel-hard vigilante. The rest of us look like teapots.

IF you want a vision of hell, look no further than the bunch of naturists who took a narrowboat down the Shropshire Union canal a few days ago while eating fish and chips. Their declared aim was to show how much fun it can be doing everyday things in the nude. Well, if your idea of fun is flabby chests, hairy armpits and sweaty cheeks framed by windows streaming with condensation, then by all means plunge your goujons in the bubbling batter and have a great time. Just be careful with that vinegar. Oops.

DID those grisly nudists-with-chips images remind anyone else of the giant Chinese salamander, smuggled into Britain which took up residence at London Zoo last week? Some creatures are simply not born to be graceful.

THERE is a theory afoot that people are more likely to be killed in storms which are given female names because they treat them less seriously than those with male names. I don't doubt it. Centuries of cultural oppression by the dark forces of the patriarchal hegemony drone, drone, drone, etc, have given us girls' names which invariably sound sweeter than those for boys. Storm Hector - run for cover! Storm Deirdre - finish the shopping. . . .

NO surprises in Normandy where some locals are protesting against a memorial to British troops at one of the D-Day beaches, denouncing it as "monstrous." It is often said that the French suffered two great humiliations in the Second World War. The first was to be defeated by the Germans. The second was to be liberated by the Brits.