Express & Star

Peter Rhodes on low-speed banking, a perfect iceberg and the days of edible tyres

How long does it take to cash a cheque?

Published
The rectangular iceberg

THE Co-op Bank writes to let us know that, thanks to space-age digital technology, the time for clearing a cheque has been reduced from six working days to two. I must sharpen my quill, saddle my trusty steed and spread the good news, forsooth.

ARE you getting fed up with politicians demanding a second EU referendum and declaring: "The British people did not vote to become poorer"? I have spoken to many Brexit voters and I have yet to meet one who says he or she voted Leave in order to get richer. Some politicians may be fascinated by great wealth, as seen with Tony Blair's £30 million property empire, Nick Clegg's swanky new job with Facebook or the hundreds of thousands of pounds scooped up by MPs, courtesy of the Saudi government. But most Brits are not driven by the pursuit of money at all costs. Many of them are infuriated at the way the EU issue is constantly reduced to economics. For decent people, there is more to life than loot.

BUT our notion of decency is not shared by everyone. Many thanks to the BBC's security correspondent Frank Gardner this week for pointing out with brutal frankness the likely outcome of the Khashoggi murder. Do not expect the truth, he says, because the three chief players, Turkey, the Saudis and the US, have no interest in revealing it. So what next? Don't be surprised if it all goes very quiet and Saudi Arabia slips Turkey a massive wodge of cash to stay quiet. Blood money has never gone out of fashion.

NATURE rarely produces straight lines, which is why a perfectly rectangular iceberg, spotted this week in the Antarctic ocean is so remarkable. Scientists tumble over themselves to explain its table-smooth top and right-angled corners. But fans of Douglas Adams, members of the towel-carrying fraternity of The Hitchhikers's Guide to the Galaxy, know exactly what is going on. Here, beyond all doubt, is the work of a first-class planet constructor, a being who won an award for his designs of Norwegian fjords and left his signature deep inside a glacier. Watch the rectangular iceberg in wonder, for you are witnessing the work of Slartibartfast.

YES, it's that weekend again, the one when we do something with the clocks and all get terribly depressed about the drawing-in of the days and the misery of winter. I have always taken the view that in just eight short weeks the days start getting longer again and spring won't be far behind. Glass half-full.

THANKS for your suggestions of a new, gentle and user-friendly name for the Death Certificate, preferably something that doesn't include the word "death." My favourite so far is the Cessation of Biological Viability Certificate.

SHOCK, horror! Scientists have discovered microscopic particles of plastic in humans. I might be more shocked and horrified if I hadn't spent my formative years chewing, swallowing and thoroughly enjoying so many Dinky Toy tyres. Tasty, weren't they?