Express & Star

Peter Rhodes on a new Referendum question, rich pickings for lawyers and the immaculate Ms Adler

OUR changing language. "Secorendum" is a second referendum coined, accidentally, by the Beeb's Europe editor, Katya Adler.

Published
"Secorendum"

WHO is, incidentally, in a class of her own. Adler doesn't look like your usual TV hack. She has the bearing of a diplomat and appears on our screens immaculately coiffed and made-up, as though she's just flitting in front of the camera before heading off to an embassy party. I can never see Katya Adler without imagining her graciously picking one chocolate from a vast tray of Ferrero Rocher. Ambassador, you're really spoiling us . . .

MEANWHILE, if you still can't figure why Labour's leaders Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell are so luke-warm about the EU, consider this. Some experts on European law believe that if Britain stayed in the EU, Brussels would forbid Corbyn's cherished nationalisation of UK railways and other public utilities. At the same time, other experts on European law say precisely the opposite. This could run and run. Have you ever noticed that, no matter who is in Downing Street, every day is pay day for the lawyers?

IT might seem self-evident that "essay mills," selling essays to students who are too thick, lazy or dishonest to write their own, are a scourge and that both they and their clients deserve no mercy. In an official statement the National Union of Students has a different view: "We say that contract cheating is a symptom of academic disempowerment. The most effective long-term solution will be to address the root of the problem with well-funded student support and a culture of learning where every student is engaged." Right. So they're not really cheats, they're victims. Why am I not surprised?

A LETTER from the Driver & Vehicle Licensing Agency invites me, "Dear Customer," to answer a customer-satisfaction survey. So we are customers now? What sort of customer is only allowed to deal with one supplier and goes to jail if he doesn't pay up? We are not customers. We are clients, subjects, citizens, plebs and proles. And why the hell should any of us waste our valuable time filling in a five-page survey with no sweetener, raffle or inducement to do so? Offer me the chance to win a week in Bognor or a year's free car tax and I might be interested.

I POINTED out last week that a three-way vote to be offered in a second referendum would keep the Remain vote intact while dividing the Leave vote. So here, after much research and deep thinking, I offer an alternative based on five choices. Remember, you have just one vote: 1) Remain and give pensioners more money. 2) Remain and give pensioners less money. 3) Remain and give young people more money. 4) Remain and be extra kind to sweet little fluffy kittens. 5) Leave. Yup, that should do it.

HELMET, hi-viz jacket, goggles, gauntlets, elbow protectors, shin guards and knee pads. Let the conker season begin.